Today marks one year since my total hip replacement revision surgery...There are so many thoughts racing around in my head. Which ones will show up in this post? Which ones will stay securely locked away? I could rant & rave about all the crappy things that have happened or I could practice acceptance and surrender to what this last year has given me and rejoice in that. Hmmm neither sounds very attractive.
It is sad to say but I truly feel that I have lost a full year of my life - and the worst part is I am not fully recovered yet. I know things happened in this year that I would not have experienced without this life event. Things that made me a more "whole" person -brought a new understanding and compassion into my life. So how can I feel I lost a whole year - when I know that I have found new insights and understanding?
These conflicted feelings are not unique to me or my situation. We all feel this way at one time or another. It is the source of much suffering in our daily lives. Our minds replay the tragedy over and over trying to find peace with what is, never really able to let go of the anger, sadness or loneliness. We find ourselves somewhere in the middle (like I am) with conflicted emotions.
I have found that my yoga practice has brought me great peace. Not so much the postures (they can be grueling and not very peaceful at all sometimes) but the residual effects of the yoga. The great stillness I feel after my practice, reminds me that everything is temporary and that this too shall pass. I found that my body awareness, as a result of my yoga practice, helped me to intuitively know how best to approach my recovery and conversely when things were just not right and to slow down (although my stubborn mind does get in the way!).
So I now embark on this next year with continued conflicted emotions and a not quite healed body. I will turn again to my yoga practice as a source of physical support and wisdom to silence the mental chatter. In the Yoga Sutra's (the book outlining the art and science of Yoga) Sutra 2.15 says: The wise man knows that the fluctuations of the mind (good & bad) are tinged with sorrow (attachment) and he keeps aloof from them. Acquire right knowledge and it will root out the seeds of pain and pleasure (regular font are my interpretations added to the sutra).
I'm hoping in this next year, I can find the right knowledge to free me from my conflicted feelings and to strengthen my body, so I can move forward into the next 1/2 century of my life.