Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Just when you think you have moved on....

September 11 - of course we all know the significance of this day. Probably know exactly where we were when the horrifying image of terrorism attacked our United States. Of course we will never forget this day, but for the most part we move forward the other 364 days in a consciousness that doesn't dwell on those awful hours and days. But this one day, the events bring us back to those feelings, sadness, suffering, shock, anger,  fear of the unknown - and it dredges up all the feelings of suffering we experienced -  just when we think we have moved on.

And while my hip situation can nowhere compare with the suffering experienced by the millions of that day, a simple event in my life - one day - can resurface all those feelings of pain associated with the surgery and misfortunes of that event.

Just when I think I have moved on, a simple event like a blood test that shows that my Chromium levels are still 5 times too high sneaks in. A doctor appointment with a new Orthopedic surgeon, to re-hash all my THR revision story so that he can be brought up to speed on my situation. A fear inside - that I try to NOT think about that maybe again, something is not right with this new hip. Or what affect these high Chromium levels will have on me long term. Ah yes, these things dredge up all the suffering I experienced - Even as much as I try to NOT let it affect me it does. I withdraw, I avoid, I shut down. I imagine the worst - just when I think I have moved on. 

Do we ever really move on and completely let go of those past experiences that define our lives? Should we? Desperately not wanting to let them define us or rule how we live our life, but the reality of the situation somehow does indeed set a direction for us.

I tend to look at my life events as lessons, what can I learn from this so I can understand - become wiser- except sometimes I can't see the lesson. What was the lesson from September 11? What is the lesson from my ill fated hip? How can I let go of these torturous thoughts for every single minute of every single day 365 days a year so I can find peace - so I can move on?

I want to move on....