Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Limbo - a forced gift of Savasana

It's funny how being in Limbo can throw a control person (like myself...I know quite a shocking revelation -LOL) ) into reflection mode. When you don't have the known to control, then you can't control what you don't know. You are forced to take a step back, and examine those areas in your life that need to be examined. 

This Limbo time (as I will call it)  - really is a gift to those of us caught in the control mode. It forces us to stop planning everything and be present. To withdraw from the external world and go inward - kind of like Savasana at the end of Yoga class.  Surrender to what it. And just like Savasana at the end of asana practice it is not  easy to shut the mind off and go inward.. 

When I find myself without purpose (controlling things that need to be controlled, scheduled, planned) I kind of find myself not knowing what to do (the refrigerator beckons all too often). I feel like a boat out on the ocean just floating - no clear direction. Not necessarily stranded, but unsure what the next navigation is. But then I realize that floating for a while is OK. I just have to stop judging myself because I'm not on some mission to get something done (kind of like in Savasana when my mind won't shut off) . But find a way to enjoy this Limbo/Savasana time and the next course navigation will come.

For those of you control persons who just need to know what is going on (tehe)- here is what I do know:
  • No surgery date is set yet
  • CAT scan and Ultrasound scheduled for June 11th
  • Waiting on the referral for the 3rd opinion for Dr. Matta in LA (he is a hip and Pelvis reconstruction specialist)
  • Securing an Attorney to represent me in a personal injury/defective medical device suit
  • Keeping the studio open at least through the month of June
  • Aleve works better on hip pain than Advil
  • the kind words of family and friends sometimes make you cry but are the best things in the world when you are down. :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day

A reflection of my current personal troubles leaves me feeling a little ashamed today.

Today we honor all the men and women who fought for our country so we can be free. Some are still with us, some paid the ultimate price with their lives and some will forever be changed physically and mentally as a result of their service to our country.

My troubles are minuscule in comparison and I will recover and move forward with my life. It may not be how I have planned it - but I will still have a future - whatever that may look like after all of this.

So many of our service men and women were not able to do that so easily. Some lost their futures and many had their future altered as well.

Remember - no matter how much we may suffer in this life - there are others who have suffered greater and lost more than we can imagine.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Being in the moment - trying not to let this obstacle define who I am any more than I have to.

Funny thing about life's little (or big) obstacles - it begins to consume your life. Everything in your small world begins to revolve around that one event or obstacle and the next thing you know; that is all you or anyone else you know ever talks about. 

The end result is - you miss out on what is happening now. Totally letting today, this minute, this moment pass you by as you fret and worry and complain about "poor pitiful me and my so sad situation".- blehhhhh!

I decided today with the help of my cycling friend Karen, that I am going to cherish each and every moment I have on my bike, in my Yoga practice, with my Yoga students and refuse to let this obstacle define who I am or will be in the months to follow.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Time to re-focus - Unhappiness leads to hatred. - Yoga Sutra II.8

I had a long lunch with a friend today. We talked a lot about my present situation. I found myself feeling and verbalizing ridiculous thoughts regarding my present reality. My friend wisely pointed out that what I am feeling is "grief" - grief from seeing my dream being shot down. Grief from my body part not working properly, grief from being disappointed in what life has dealt me. Grief at knowing what my body will go through in the next few months.

Grief (Duhka from the Yoga Sutras) is one of the afflictions of the body  "duhka" is loosely translated as sorrow, grief, distress, pain. When we mistakenly see the transient as permanent (when the Ego takes over), then we create pain. In my case - grief.  While what is happening is definitely real, it is also temporary.

My unhappiness at this situation will only lead to more unhappiness. Unhappiness will lead to negative thoughts, negative thoughts will lead to negative energy out into the universe. Negative energy out into the universe will not make things better for anyone. It will create a negative chain of misery - which will only lead to more sorrow and grief.

I have to have faith. Trust in the highest knowledge.- Faith that everything will be just as it is supposed to be. I have to trust the wisdom of the universe - I sure hope the universe is smart.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Revision Surgery - Learning to let go and accept my fate

One of the complications of the THR revision surgery is the removal of the metal cup on my acetebelum: This is the place where the femoral head connects at the hip joint. Because the metal from the original surgery fused into the acetebelum (better than cement they say - yeah as long as you don't have to try and remove it), they have to pry the "cup" off of that bone. It's tricky and could shatter the hip - and that would be very bad.

The Femoral head they installed from the original surgery is modular - so they can take off the other metal head and replace with a new ceramic head or another metal head with no history of metal leakage. Not sure what they are going to do at this point.

Because of the invasive procedure the recovery will be much longer and the bone will not be weight bearing as quickly as the initial surgery. So that means I will be in the hospital longer, with a walker longer and unable to do many normal things for up to six months. Yoga and cycling - obviously are completely out of the question until healing has completed.

I guess the worst part of this is knowing what I am going to go through during the surgery and recovery- because I have been there before. Last time I didn't know what I didn't know - this time I do. It wasn't fun before and this time it will be less fun than last time.

The Yoga Sutra's lesson of detachment asks us to willingly "let go" and "surrender" to what is. It doesn't mean we shouldn't care, it means that we need to see things as they really are - not what our minds have conjured up as horrible, awful, terrible, unfair - but to love ourselves and embrace what the Divine has given us. To me, it means it is time to change my focus from pity party (while it can be satisfying for a while) to changing my view of the situation and accepting today for today and dealing with tomorrow- tomorrow.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A little history - Part II

So off I go to see the surgeon about my results. Lab tests show Cobalt levels at 156 - normal is 2. Chromium levels at 15 - normal is .15 (this is a rough estimate since my actual results are at the revision surgeon specialists office). Needless to say - not good. Basically this Dr. days I need revision surgery in the next 3-6 months. I ask for a 2nd opinion.

2 weeks later I'm off to the 2nd opinion. This Dr. is a MoM revision specialist who has done hundred of these surgeries and has a FDA grant to study the results of MoM issues in the body. He tells me that he has NEVER seen anyone with higher levels of Cobalt and Chromium in their body and that I need to get that device out of me ASAP - it is a ticking time bomb (that is always so reassuring to hear from a Doctor). It could cause tissue, bone and/or nerve damage which is irreparable.

As of today I am awaiting insurance company approvals for referrals for a MRI and Cat-scan (hmmm... wonder how long that will take) to determine what if any damage exists at the hip replacement site. Surgery will be in the next 4-6 weeks - but no surgery date as of yet.

Surgeon says it is OK to continue doing what I'm doing until surgery - at this point it really can't do any more damage - I guess that is a bright spot. I can still cycle and do yoga until surgery date - whenever that is. Recovery will be a whole different story.

I guess recovery is what this blog will really be all about. Acceptance of my limitations. Learning to surrender to what this human body is limited to during the recovery. Finding new ways to practice my Yoga from the surgery room to the recovery room and convalescence.

Next post - Revision surgery & recovery  and what to do about my Yoga studio (Just so everyone knows I am eagerly awaiting a sign from the Universe on just what exactly to do about my studio).


Monday, May 21, 2012

A little history...

Ok - so here I am making this blog. I'm not much of a writer or thinker. I don't really have any profound thoughts to share with anyone. This is a selfish blog - a tool to get me through the next six months of my life...a life without Yoga - at least in the physical sense.

See I had hip replacement surgery in September 2007. I suffered from Osteoarthritis of the right hip and after many painful years we decided a THR was what I needed. Things went great. Successful surgery and post operative recovery without incident and I was back to my Yoga and cycling in 4 months. This hip was to last me until I died - at least that is what they said (this is where the ominous music plays).

Over the 4.5 years since my THR I'd had bouts of pain that I attributed to my active lifestyle. Yoga teacher, Spinning instructor, and road cyclist. Thought it was sciatica, tight hips, weak muscles at surgery site, piriformis issues from cycling - never once did I think it was my metal on metal (MoM) hip implant. Boy was I wrong.

In December 2011 I decided to quit my credit union management job to open a Yoga studio (wow talk about expert timing). I was experiencing some more groin pain and inflamed buttocks muscles and decided to go check on my implant with my surgeon - just to check that everything was fine and finally get some resolution on this pain I was having and what I could do to make it stop. After issues with health insurance and two months later I finally got a bone scan of the R hip. In conclusive they say - could you go have some blood tests done?

So I skip off to the lab, have 5 vials of blood drawn and a week later I get a call from the surgeon's nurse. You have elevated levels of Chromium and Cobalt ( metals from the implant that can cause hip and groin pain, bone and tissue destruction and nerve damage) in your blood. Doctor is recommending a hip replacement revision. Can you come see us next week?

I'll finish up with the remainder of the story tomorrow. I'm off to teach at my Yoga studio. Not really sure what will become of that right now. But I find peace in teaching and helping others find some peace in their life.

One of my favorites sayings is "everything happens for a reason". I wonder if everyone hates that saying when I say it to them as much as I hate it right now.